“’And I will let my integrity stand as witness against me in the future: when you come to look over the animals constituting my wages, every goat that isn’t speckled or spotted and every sheep that isn’t brown will count as stolen be me.’”
Genesis 30:33
It was in college when I first heard the definition of integrity. Well, I had heard Webster’s version of it growing up, but this was the first time I had heard a definition closer to Adonai’s. While sitting on the tile floor during hall meeting, my chaplain called out that integrity is who we are when no one is looking. As a freshman only weeks into college, I was already beginning to take on my own personality and new lifestyle. When these words were said, they brought balance. Suddenly I realized that just because I was now able to do things that my parents would not approve of did not mean I should. I was still being watched and held to a level of integrity. Eighteen years have passed since I first heard those words, and yet they still play over and over in my mind. All the little things I think and want to hide, whether they be from my kids or from others, someone still knows about. Every little thought, every little action, every little place I go when I am alone is not hidden from Adonai no matter how well I try to hide it from others.
As I opened to Genesis 30 to begin reading today, I was reminded once more of this fact. It is in this chapter that Ya’akov and Lavan strike another agreement. With Ya’akov anxious to move out and begin a life apart from Lavan, he gives his request for them to split ways. But Lavan knows that the only reason he has prospered so far is because of his son-in-law. The two agree then that Lavan will keep each pure sheep and goat while Ya’akov will take any sheep or goat spotted, speckled, or colored. The proof then is in the pudding, or wool I guess. There is no way that Ya’akov can get away with stealing now because the shading and pattern will give him away. And Lavan also cannot pull a fast one because his sheep and goat will tell on him also. The simplicity of their agreement kept both men living in integrity.
Honestly, sometimes I wish it was still this easy. While I know that many people, including myself, would be exposed if we lived with our integrity in the shading and spotting of a sheep or goat, I would still like it. For far too long I lived one way in private and another way in public. And even still I find myself battling between the two, leaving my integrity playing the part of a fake. Who am I when the door is closed and no one is looking? Be not deceived, though, for Adonai warns us that our sins will find us out. Just because I can hide something from you doesn’t mean that I can hide it also from Him. But then I am not sure I want to hide it from Him. Why would I want to continue living a life of false and deception when I could more easily live a life in Adonai’s boundaries and blessings?
As crazy as it sounds, I know that if I had to live with my sheep and my goats as my means of integrity, I would be living a better life. I would be able to get away with nothing, be fully exposed, and be forced to either live right or pay the consequence. So as bold as it may sound, this is my prayer.
Adonai, I want to be a man of full integrity. I give you permission to go through my sheep and goat pen and look for the ones that do not belong there and remove them. It is in Your love that You discipline Your children. I want to be right when You look at me, both when the door is open and when it is closed. Amen.
Genesis 30:28 – 31:16
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